SO THURSDAY NIGHT I STARTED TO SPOT NO BIGGY RIGHT I FIGURED IT WOULD STOP IN THE MORNING AND I HAD A DOCTORS APPT. ANYWAYS.  WHEN I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING THE BLEEDING HAD GOTTEN WORSE SO I CALLED THE DOCTOR AND ASK WHAT THEY THOUGHT I SHOULD DO THEY SAID GO TO THE HOSPTIAL SO I DID AFTER BEING THERE FOR ABOUT 2O MINUTES THE BLEEDING WAS SOO BAD THAT I WAS FILLING UP A PAD IN ABOUT 15 MINUTES (THATS NOT GOOD). THEY PUT ME IN A ROOM AND I GOT A PELVIC EXAM THE DOCTOR SAID THAT HE COULD STILL SEE MY  MUCUS PLUG AND THAT WAS A GOOD SIGN THEY TOOK SOME BLOOD FOR MY ARM AND THEY SENT ME OFF TO ULTRASOUND.........
THE ULTRASOUND GUY WAS HAVING A HARD TIME SEEING ANYHTING INSIDE OF MY UTERUS SO THEY HAD ME DO A VAGINAL ULTRASOUND (VERY UNCOMFORTABLE).....
THATS WHEN THE STICK THIS LONNNGGGG THING INSIDE OF UR...YA KNO SO THEY CAN GET A BETTER PICTURE OF WHATEVER IS INSIDE OF U.
I COULD SEE THE BABY AS WELL AS HE COULD.
 I ASKED HIM WHAT WAS GOING ON CAUSE HE HAD THIS ODD LOOK ON HIS FACE HE SAID I WOULD HAVE TO WAIT ON THE BLOOD WORK BEFORE I COULD GET ANY ANSWERS...
SO THE SEND ME BACK TO MY ROOM, ABOUT 2O MINUTES OR SO GO BY AND THE DOCTOR COMES BACK HE SAID THAT MY BLOOD WORK WAS FINE BUT MY HORMONE LEVELS STATED THAT WAS ABOUT 3/12 TO 4 WEEKS PREGNANT...........
WTF?????
HE SAID THAT EVEN THOUGH I HAD LOST ALOT OF BLOOD THE TEST DIDNT SAY I HAD BECOME ANEMIC (HOW EVER U SPELL THAT)
BUT THE THING THAT WAS CONCERNING HIM THE MOST WAS THE ULTRASOUND THE ULTRASOUND SHOWED THAT I WAS 71/2 TO 8 WEEKS PREGNANT AND THE NURSE THAT DID THE ULTRASOUND SAID THAT HE COULDNT SEE THE HEARTBEATING. SO BASICALLY HE SAID THAT THE BLEEDING IS THE BEGINNING OF A MISCARRAGE AND THAT THEY CANT STOP IT CAUSE IM TOO EARLY IN MY PREGANACY MY BODY IS SLOWING NOT MAKING HORMONES TO DEVELOP THE BABIE AND ALL I CAN DO IS ANTISAPATE THE MISCARRAGE AND TAKE SOMETHING FOR THE PAIN.....
HE GAVE ME VICODIN AND SENT ME ON MY WAY SO THE BLEEDING HASSNT STOPED AND THE ONLY TIME I CAN RETURN TO THE HOSPITAL IS IF THE PAIN IS TOO MUCH AND I CANT TAKE IT OR IM BLEEDING SOO MUCH THAT IM CONCERNED. BUT AS FAR AS THE BABY I CANT DO ANYTHING.
HOW DOES THAT WORK.....I CARRY IN PERSON INSIDE OF ME I TAKE THE VITAMINS SO IT WILL BE HEALTHY I EAT RIGHT IM CAREFUL SO IT WILL BE SAFE I CARRY THIS LIFE INSIDE OF MY BODY AND THEN MY BODY DECIDES THAT ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO LIVE I FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET LIKE I WOULD A DEAD FISH OR SOMETHING WORTHLESS THIS PERSON THIS LIFE I FLUSH DOWN THE TOILET. AND ALL I CAN DO ABOUT IT IS TAKE A PILL SO IT WONT HURT AS MUCH SO THE PAIN IS BEARABLE..... WE DONT TALK ABOUT IT, WE DONT TELL ANYONE ABOUT OUR LOSS, WE DONT EVEN DISCUS IT BETWEEN JUST US. BECAUSE THATS NOT SOMETHING HE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT AND I GOT THIS FUNNY FEELING THAT HE FEELS RELIEVED THAT THIS IS JUST ONE MORE THING THAT HE DOESNT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT, ONE MORE PERSON THAT HE DOESNT HAVE TO BUY FOR.
ONE LESS OBLAGATION........

Current Mood: sad

OK so its been about a week since i last wrote nothing new really im just really tired sometimes im so exhosted that i consider going to the hospital....i kno what ur thinking way to dramatic right i dont think so i mean ill go to bed at around 9:30pm and i wont wake up till 5:00pm the next day if no one wakes me up now im not lazy not like that and well it scares me a whole lot. Becky says i should take my vitimans and drink water and i should be fine and so does my doctor but i do these things and nothing helps. to be honest i feel like im dying very slowly, i dont kno how else to explain it.

Current Mood: sore

Ok, so i havent done this for a while um... 
I guess ill tell everyone about myself, 
my name is Julie im 18 years old and at the moment i live in Temecula, ca. 
Im engaged to an awesome guy named Johnny and we are suppost to get married at the end of May next year im excited althought we had a different day picked out but we had to change it on accont of i got pregnant, so we either had to get married right away or push the date 8 weeks past my due date. I decided it would be best to push it back because we had already bought my dress and the overall wedding is gonna cost us about $65,000 dollars and at the moment we dont have all of that just laying around.....lol 
Me and Johnny have been through alot really. see Johnny is 30 and has been married once before for about 8 years and has 3 kids with his former wife which is no big deal to me bacause i have a 3 year old son.
 but the only problem with all that is his ex-wife! OMG does she bug she'll text him at all kinds of hours in the night and ask him if he still want to have sex with her dumb stuff it doesnt bother me as much as u would think it does because in all honesty i kinda feel sorry for her because she messed up what she had with him and now when hes happy and starting over again she realizes it....
shes just really annoying. i love his kids though they really are great kids his oldest just turned 8 his name is john his middle is 7 her name is serina and the baby is 5 and her name is semira.
And as for me well i grew up in  group homes and foster homes most of my life, i know my mom and i love her very much shes my best friend, she just didnt make alot of good decisions in her life i have 2 sisters they are all older christina who is 30 and rabecka who is 23 im closest to rabecka we talk on the phone almost everyday i dont really know my oldest sister she moved out before i could get a chance to get close to her and besides i really dont remember what she looks like but she has threes kids two of whom dont live with her i dont really know my sisters kids and honestly dont remember what they look like either but then again she does live in texas and has a life of her own.....
ummm where was i..... oh yeah,
i have a three year old son his name is Robert hes a great kids he's smart but super-duper hyper i mean this kid nevers stops!!
i had robert when i was 15, yeah i kno kinda young and honestly i think he saved my life because when i was 15 i didnt care a whole lot about my self of my future i never went to school i was depressed and when i had him all i knew was i never wanted him to have the life i did or ever feel the things i've felt so i went back to school and graduated a year early.... i wanted to make him proud i think i did.
I know roberts dad and he never really wanted a baby when i got pregnant with robert his dad was 17 so i dont really blame him we were young and having a kid wassnt something he was ready for.
I try not to judge people and their live because no one is perfect, and to me i feel like life is full of decisions and no matter what decision u make in life there are gonna be consequences and maybe at the time u felt like the decision u were making was the right one and now weather or not it was u gotta live with it!
I guess thats it for now i cant think of anything else to say and i think i covered the basics. 
                        
  

Current Mood: tired